Warning: Pessimistic Pegah is going to make an appearance for alittle bit.
So, I’m finished with chemo. But I still have no idea where this is going. I might still have a lot of cancer in my system. I still can’t make any plans because I don’t know if I am going to get radiation. And, assuming I am getting it, how much? Nine months of my life have been taken from me and I don’t know how much more will be taken away. What if it comes back? I am going to have to live the rest of my life with cancer hanging over my head. Am I a permanent diabetic from the steroids they gave me? Am I able to have kids? What if there are still large tumors left and I need another surgery? Yet another scar to be self-conscious about? Did I lose my curls? They are gone right now… what am I going to do with straight hair? I, of course, hate my latest hair cut. I feel like I look like a boy with moobs.
I thought I would feel different today… elation, relief, something positive. But my lack of ability to plan ahead is really getting to me. Example: I have a $300 voucher from American Airlines that expires towards the end of May, and I can’t plan anything out. Don’t think that I have to plan every little thing out; think of my plans in pencil (always subject to change). But I can’t even do that because April for me would be needed for radiation if my scans show I need it. Anyone that really knows me understands that trips are therapeutic to me. They are like my rest button; a chance to get away from my current surroundings and just relax.
Maybe I’ll feel better next week when I feel more like my normal self physically. I dunno.
So… Here I am… My last day of chemo. How am I feeling about it? Excited, worried, exhausted, nauseous, and ready to get on with my life. I think the Sarah Bareillas song “Gravity” really sums it up for me: “Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall. I’m just the way I’m supposed to be. But you’re on to me and all over me.”
