Update.

Warning: This following note is directly from my diary. So, it is not edited. It is full of cursing. Not appropriate for small children. It picks up right where I left my last note.

Yes, it has been almost a year since I last wrote in here. Been a crazy, fucked up year. Hmm… Where to start?
1. The ABVD chemo didn’t work. Not only did my cancer not go away, it spread to a new area. I now have a new name for my type of cancer: Refractory Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. This really upped the ante as far as treatment goes. I had to get the ICE chemo.
2. Three rounds of ICE chemo. Well, I consider them to be 9 rounds because each one required me to be in the hospital for 4 days/3 nights.
3. Oh Happy Day! The ICE chemo worked for me. I was cancer free. Which meant I needed to get the high dose (HD) chemo and stem-cell (SC) transplant. But I couldn’t get them through JPS hospital. So I had to go on medical disability to get Medicaid so that MD Anderson would take on my case. Took forever to get the ball rolling; forever being about 3 weeks.
4. I forgot to say I had to get another Bone Marrow biopsy done. Fucking Ouch!
5. Because the registration and Medicaid approval process took so long… My cancer came back. I found out the day I was supposed to go into the hospital to start the HD chemo/SC transplant process.
6. Came back home to Keller and JPS hospital.  Have to get 4 rounds (2 cycles) of GND chemo. GND chemo doesn’t like me at all. I feel like shit for almost 5 days. That is worse than when I was getting 3 nights of chemo for ICE.
7. Got my tonsils taken out. When I was down in Houston at MDA, they did a PET CT scan. This is how they found out the Hodgkin’s was back. On that scan, my tonsils lit up a little. They recommended getting them taken out before starting the SC transplant. So I finally, after fighting them for 27 years, got my tonsils taken out. And holy hell, did it hurt. I couldn’t eat. I could barely drink. I literally lost 10lbs in 5 days. And the ear pain! Holy shit… It would bring me to my knees. All I could do was sit there holding my ears and cry.
8. My liver hates me. It is very angry. After 29 rounds of chemo, it has decided to rebel. After my tonsil surgery, my liver function test results were double and triple what they should have been. I’m freaking out. My doctors are freaking out. Of course, my mom is freaking out. My main doctor is so worried about it that she decides to actually talk to Dr. Yuenes down at MDA (Lymphoma Specialist). They decide to push my chemo back an extra week to give my liver a little time to calm down. They think the combination of surgery, post-op meds, chemo-meds, and chemo was just too damn much for my liver.
9. Luckily, they were right and I got my last 2 rounds of GND chemo. The last being on 10-13-10.
10. Today (since I am writing this at 2 am on Thursday morning) is going to consist of me calling MDA to get the ball rolling as soon as possible. I need to get another PET CT scan. If I am cancer free, I will get the HD chemo/SC transplant treatment. That means I will be in Houston for 2 months. Basically all of the Holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years in the hospital. Fan-Freaking-Tastic!


Took me long enough, right?

Warning: Pessimistic Pegah is going to make an appearance for alittle bit.

So, I’m finished with chemo. But I still have no idea where this is going. I might still have a lot of cancer in my system. I still can’t make any plans because I don’t know if I am going to get radiation. And, assuming I am getting it, how much? Nine months of my life have been taken from me and I don’t know how much more will be taken away. What if it comes back? I am going to have to live the rest of my life with cancer hanging over my head. Am I a permanent diabetic from the steroids they gave me? Am I able to have kids? What if there are still large tumors left and I need another surgery? Yet another scar to be self-conscious about? Did I lose my curls? They are gone right now… what am I going to do with straight hair? I, of course, hate my latest hair cut. I feel like I look like a boy with moobs.

I thought I would feel different today… elation, relief, something positive. But my lack of ability to plan ahead is really getting to me. Example: I have a $300 voucher from American Airlines that expires towards the end of May, and I can’t plan anything out. Don’t think that I have to plan every little thing out; think of my plans in pencil (always subject to change). But I can’t even do that because April for me would be needed for radiation if my scans show I need it. Anyone that really knows me understands that trips are therapeutic to me. They are like my rest button; a chance to get away from my current surroundings and just relax.

Maybe I’ll feel better next week when I feel more like my normal self physically. I dunno.

So… Here I am… My last day of chemo. How am I feeling about it? Excited, worried, exhausted, nauseous, and ready to get on with my life. I think the Sarah Bareillas song “Gravity” really sums it up for me: “Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall. I’m just the way I’m supposed to be. But you’re on to me and all over me.”

Patrick Swayze, Taylor Swift, Kanye West, and Me.

Taylor: He is a narcissistic Jerk. I am so sorry that your moment was ruined.

Kanye: She is 18 years old. A Child. And you humiliated her in front of MILLIONS of people. I am so happy I didn't watch the VMAs last night because your "performance" would have sickened me. Hell, it sickens me now and I just heard about it. It is called the MTV Video Music Awards, not the Kanye West Video Music Awards. You already have your music to spout your opinions in, but if you need more, You have enough money to make your own awards show and give all the awards to yourself. You arrogant asshole.

RIP Patrick Swayze. You fought hard, but the cancer won in the end. I'll pray for you and your friends and family.
I really hated seeing that you had died because now I am worried. You were only 57... and it seemed like you were winning. Shit... this sucks.

I have chemo tomorrow. Yay! :-(
I am not even half way through my treatment and I am already sick of it. Sick of getting poked with needles, sick of taking medicine, sick of driving to see doctors, sick of my Life being put on hold.

I want my old life back when I could make plans a month in advance without having to worry about how I will be feeling or looking at the calendar and hoping it is an off week from chemo.

An Update... Because it was requested by some

What is it about the hours between 2 am and 8 am that make me want to write? I am having one of my lovely hot flashes, so I can't sleep. Decided that writing an update would be better use of my time than watching my ceiling fan.

So... Update, Update. Hmmm.

Oh... I found a bald spot today. YAY!! Ha, more like I cried alittle. You can prepare all you want, but when you see it your first thought is "Fuck." At least that is the first thought I had. At least I can hide it for a bit longer under my ridiculous collection of headbands.

I wrote too soon after last chemo. It was tough, really knocked me on my ass. I didn't throw up much but I felt so queasy all the time and exhausted.

My next chemo is Tuesday. And if this trend continues, it is going to get worse with every treatment.

My Baylor girls came into town to see me this week. Which was AWESOME. I miss those girls so much. Thanks for driving 4+ hours to see me Jen and Cristin!

I try not to dwell on how unfair this is and how much it has changed my life, but hell I am not perfect. Less than 1% of cancers are Hodgkin's, maybe I should go buy a lottery ticket, eh? I guess I should count my lucky stars that it is Hodgkin's and not something else.

But that positive thought is hard to hold on to when I am sitting in a chair with a needle stuck into my chest pumping poison into my veins. Or when I am so tired I can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom. Or when I get another hospital bill in the mail. Or when I think of my "plans" for the future. Or when I wake up with my pillow covered with hair.

It is so easy to have myself a huge pity party, with balloons and ice cream cake. A party so good that I won't care that I am the only one there.

But I know that having that party will help no one: not me, not my dad, not my brother, not my doctors, and definitely not my mom. This is hard enough without depression.

In case anyone was wondering, I am typing this as it pops into my head. This is what my thought stream sounds like. Yes, I have the attention span of a 6yearold. Sorry if it is a bit random at times.

Oh, and I know y'all are thinking "get over the hair thing already. it will grow back"... My mind understands that it is temporary but it is also my constant reminder that I have cancer. Because every time I look in the mirror I see less and less. My room is covered with hair. The irony of the situation is that I was finally proud of my hair. Years of battling the frizz had ended and I was starting like that I had long curly hair. Moral of the story, kids? Vanity will always come back to bite you in the ass.

Well, it is now 4am, and though I am not sleepy, I am going to try to get some sleep.

Until my next sleepless night.
Pegah *_*

Something that I need to tell everyone

So... I have racked my brain… Trying to find a good way of saying this. But after thinking and thinking, I decided that just spitting it out on Facebook is the best route, at least for me.

So, here it is: I have cancer. I have Stage IIIb Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I have completed 3 chemo treatments so far. Yes, I am starting to lose my hair.

My reasons for saying it this way are pretty selfish actually. But hey, everyone gets to be selfish sometimes. I am tired of having to tell my story. I figured this way everyone can read about it and know what is going on without me having to repeat myself 20 times. As I said, Selfish.

I found a lump under my right arm, in my arm pit, on June 6 while I was getting ready to go to a bridal shower. Went to my family doctor June 8th, thinking it was mono or an infected lymph node. My family doctor checked it out and decided that it was best for me to go see a specialist at North Hills hospital, Dr. Wills.

Dr. Wills had multiple tests performed: ultrasound, chest x-ray, and mammography. After seeing the ultrasound and the mammography, the doc thought it was an infected lymph node. Then, she did a fine needle biopsy on the lump. And was very surprised, when instead of finding some sort of fluid, she found a solid mass of tissue. Using the needle, she pulled a small sample of tissue to be sent off to pathology.

The results of the pathology were bad: Highly suspicious for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. So at this point, I needed to get the enlarged lymph node under my right arm removed and biopsied to confirm diagnosis. However, I do not have any health insurance. The surgery and biopsy alone would have cost $25,000 at North Hills hospital and God only knows how much continued treatment for chemo would have cost. But I am lucky enough to be poor enough to qualify for JPS Connections, which is like health insurance but through the JPS itself.

And so it starts:
July 6th: I had a PET/CT scan.
July 7th: It was a bone marrow biopsy. Which I have to say is one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever experienced. I would never wish it on anyone.
July 8th: Surgery to remove the lymph node in my right arm pit and to put in a port for later chemo treatments.

I spent the following few days recovering from surgery. I was feeling ok until about late Sunday night. My temperate was high, I had no appetite for food, and what little I ate wasn't staying down. So, on Wednesday, July 15th, I was admitted into the hospital for the first time in my life. I stayed in the hospital for 7 nights. Long story short, all of the problems I was having were due to my cancer. While I was in the hospital, I had my first chemo treatment that I totally slept through. Got to love anti-anxiety meds, ha ha ha.

I will continue to get chemo treatments every 2 weeks for the next 6 to 8 month or however long it takes to be completely healthy. I actually had chemo number 3 today, and I am pretty lucky. I don’t get really nauseous. I feel better on the chemo than I did before I started it. So, besides slowly watching my hair fall out, I am good.

I appreciate all prayers, positives thoughts, and get well soon messages I get (or will get) because as good as I am doing right now; I have no idea how I am going to be in a week, 2 weeks, and hell, a day from now.
When you decided to message me with your shock, sympathy, etc., please try to understand that I don’t want my life to completely revolve around the fact that I am a cancer patient. I want to know what is going on in your life, how you have been doing. Because shocking as this is, the world does not orbit around me. Life goes on and it is up to us to keep living it.

God bless and I love you guys.
Pegah *_*


This is the Hogdkin's Lymphoma ribbon. Violet
 This is the ribbon for Lymphoma. Lime green.