What is it about the hours between 2 am and 8 am that make me want to write? I am having one of my lovely hot flashes, so I can't sleep. Decided that writing an update would be better use of my time than watching my ceiling fan.
So... Update, Update. Hmmm.
Oh... I found a bald spot today. YAY!! Ha, more like I cried alittle. You can prepare all you want, but when you see it your first thought is "Fuck." At least that is the first thought I had. At least I can hide it for a bit longer under my ridiculous collection of headbands.
I wrote too soon after last chemo. It was tough, really knocked me on my ass. I didn't throw up much but I felt so queasy all the time and exhausted.
My next chemo is Tuesday. And if this trend continues, it is going to get worse with every treatment.
My Baylor girls came into town to see me this week. Which was AWESOME. I miss those girls so much. Thanks for driving 4+ hours to see me Jen and Cristin!
I try not to dwell on how unfair this is and how much it has changed my life, but hell I am not perfect. Less than 1% of cancers are Hodgkin's, maybe I should go buy a lottery ticket, eh? I guess I should count my lucky stars that it is Hodgkin's and not something else.
But that positive thought is hard to hold on to when I am sitting in a chair with a needle stuck into my chest pumping poison into my veins. Or when I am so tired I can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom. Or when I get another hospital bill in the mail. Or when I think of my "plans" for the future. Or when I wake up with my pillow covered with hair.
It is so easy to have myself a huge pity party, with balloons and ice cream cake. A party so good that I won't care that I am the only one there.
But I know that having that party will help no one: not me, not my dad, not my brother, not my doctors, and definitely not my mom. This is hard enough without depression.
In case anyone was wondering, I am typing this as it pops into my head. This is what my thought stream sounds like. Yes, I have the attention span of a 6yearold. Sorry if it is a bit random at times.
Oh, and I know y'all are thinking "get over the hair thing already. it will grow back"... My mind understands that it is temporary but it is also my constant reminder that I have cancer. Because every time I look in the mirror I see less and less. My room is covered with hair. The irony of the situation is that I was finally proud of my hair. Years of battling the frizz had ended and I was starting like that I had long curly hair. Moral of the story, kids? Vanity will always come back to bite you in the ass.
Well, it is now 4am, and though I am not sleepy, I am going to try to get some sleep.
Until my next sleepless night.
Pegah *_*
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